Oh What a Tangled Web we Weave
by blueangel1415
Summary: Merlin has pushed herself and given herself, until she could do no more. So, she steels herself. No fear, no compassion, no anger, no hate, no love; just the absolute certainty that her visions would come to pass. girl Merlin/Mordred
1. Chapter 1

She has been beaten, tortured, and forced to kill friend and foe alike for one man-one kingdom. Merlin had become his friend; had bled and wept for him, and she realized that it would never be enough.

He would still die.

And it would be all her fault.

Merlin had acted on the belief that she could save him, but in that act she had set his fate. How could any goddess expect her to keep on fighting when it was inevitable?

She would watch her friends die.

Merlin has pushed herself and given herself, until she could do no more. So, she steels herself. No fear, no compassion, no anger, no hate, no love; just the absolute certainty that her visions would come to pass.

* * *

She is done pretending to smile and laugh when there is nothing to be happy about.

The knights whisper behind her back and they try to bring her spirits up with antics that would befit a fool, but she brushes them off.

Gwen and Arthur question her and Gaius almost shakes her, but she shrugs and goes back to her chores.

##############

She doesn't sleep anymore; discovered that she doesn't have to, because not sleeping is better than sleeping. When she sleeps, she dreams, and when she dreams it is of blood and fire and ash. It makes her choke.

No wonder Morgana had gone mad.

Merlin takes to wandering to the halls- blending into the shadows when need be because even after all these years the guards are still useless.

Sometimes she goes into the surrounding forest and lies upon the grass tracing the clouds with her fingers and twisting them into shapes and figures feeling the moon beam down on her and the cool air ruffle her shift.

She thinks about the mistakes she has made, and how much of a coward she is.

* * *

''Mother.'' Hunith hugs her tight and sits her down; all the while clutching her hands to Merlin's.

'' Your friends are worried about you. They say you haven't been acting yourself. What's happened?'' Her mother looks at her worriedly; talks to her as if she is ten years old again, but the problem is that she knows that she isn't. She grew up.

Merlin could no longer be the girl with the easy smile; that naïve thing that believed that good would ultimately win, that the world was split in to dark and light and it was just so simple as to choose the path you would take.

'' Nothing. I've just figured some things out.'' She squeezes her mother's hands.

Later, Merlin sends her mother away stating the dangers of Camelot, and Arthur argues and she bows and states her apologies, and Arthur will grip her arm before letting go and looking at her with resignation.

* * *

Her breath mists in the night air; the snow cold on her back and snowflakes tickling her eyelashes as they come down.

Snow crunches behind her and chainmail jingles as someone sits next to her.

'' Emrys.'' His voice is soft and careful, as if she'll break if he speaks any louder. Merlin does not acknowledge him, but instead reaches her hand out to the sky and begins to twist the snowflakes; making stags race between them and bears dance on their hind legs. She watches him watch her until he grabs her hand and stills her movements- his fingers lacing with hers. '' You must stop this.''

She yanks her hand away from his, '' Stop what?'' Mordred eyes her carefully before taking off his cloak and placing it around her shoulders. Merlin places her hands in her lap as she kneels in front of him; this man who still half a boy- who held no hint of malice, but instead carried a hope of the future and a belief that the man he served would one day make the world right again.

'' You no longer smile or laugh-''

'' I do not see that there is to smile or laugh about.'' Mordred's frowns and touches her shoulder briefly before she slips away from him.

'' Arthur is king. Does that not bring you happiness?''

'' It's complicated.'' Her shoulders slump as she thinks about her destiny, about what shall come to pass.

'' You are our hope Merlin,'' his voice is quiet, but it has a new edge to it that had never been there before, '' you cannot give up hope. Not now.'' She begins to stand up but he pulls her back down until they are almost nose to nose, and for once she is warm as his breath mingles with hers and his hand grips her bare arm.

'' Do you know what its like,'' her voice raises a little as she stares him straight in the eye, '' to have the weight of such a destiny on your shoulders? To hide a part of yourself day after day? To know that the fate of your kin and your kingdom rest upon your shoulders, and yet-'' her voice breaks and she has to look down because she will not look vulnerable or weak. Not in front of him. She stands, dropping his cloak at his feet, and leaves him in the forest knowing that because of her he would turn his back on the people he called friends.

* * *

Day after day Mordred talks to her, no matter what. No matter how much she snaps or ignores him he is constantly there. Sometimes she wonders how he gets away with slacking off on his duties. If it had been her Arthur would have lectured her ear off. Still, Mordred sits with her as she scrubs laundry and gathers herbs for Gaius speaking softly with her and spinning stories of his childhood. Most are sad, and sometimes tears gather in his eyes, but he never sheds them.

'' I was sold as a slave,'' he tells her once, '' I spent two months with the man who used to torture the magic out of me. He couldn't have known that my magic would eventually lash out and kill him.'' It is stories like this that make something ache in her heart and grab his hand in comfort; that make her forget the man he will become.

Some stories are happy though, but the most important thing is that she starts to listen. She starts to piece him together bit by bit until she starts to see what drove him to take up a red cloak and sword; a need to be accepted, a simple gesture that had been denied to him because of his abilities and his heritage.

Slowly, because she still doesn't trust him, she starts to share stories. Merlin tells him off her first bit of magic, shattering the windows of her home with her cries, a story that her mother had often told her. She tells him off Will and how her friend used to hold her as they watched people burn, because even in Cenred's kingdom there were still some who feared magic. Then she stumbles through her years in Camelot, always skirting around Morgana until he asks of her. She had hesitates then because no one had ever brought up Morgana's name anymore. It was just too painful.

''She used to be so kind.'' Her fists are clenched in her skirts as she sits back against the trees.

'' I remember.'' Mordred has a faraway look in his eyes and she knows that he is thinking about the woman with the kind smile who used to float the halls of Camelot in a green dress and jewels.

'' You know it wasn't just Uther that made her this way,'' she swallows, '' it was me as well. I turned my back on her and now-'' she waves her hand around before dropping it onto her lap again. '' I have made so many mistakes,'' she confesses,'' and I shall make so many more that-'' Merlin stops herself before she goes too far. Mordred looks as if he wants her to finish, but he doesn't push.

'' We have both betrayed her then.'' This time when Mordred intertwines their fingers together she does not pull away. Instead she notes how calloused his hands are.

They have both lead hard lives.

* * *

The first time she laughs with him she is trying to teach him how to juggle. Merlin had taken some apples from the kitchens, and he had looked on with a small smile as she had tossed the fruit in the air. After some haggling she had convinced him to try and after one of the apples had hit his head she had let out a giggle.

He had rubbed his head and smiled bashfully handing the apples back to her, his cheeks the color of the rosy fruit. He looked so innocent, and her heart melted and ached for him

* * *

The first time he kisses her it is Yule.

She is flushed from dancing and cider; singing a soft song as she walks through the halls when all the others are all passed out drunk.

'' Merlin.'' She had spun around to see Mordred leaning against a wall with a sparkle in his eyes. Merlin had turned back and stood in front of him with ease.

''Did you out drink Gwaine again?''

'' Indeed.''

'' That's the second time-'' Then he is kissing her. She has only been kissed twice before. The first is when Will had kissed her- when they were both just children and she had only known Camelot as a land far away. The second time was when Gwaine had been very _very _drunk, and he had apologized profusely afterwards. But she has never kissed like this; with a kind of desperation that makes her pull him closer, and with a gentleness that makes her whimper.

She puts a hand in his hair and makes herself forget about the ale on his breath and the visions. Merlin drowns herself in him; feeling his magic flare up and wrap around her until all she can do his gasp.

They break apart when footsteps echo across the hallway and Mordred hastily pushes her into an alcove. For a moment they both stand in silence and listen as the footsteps retreat down the hall. It is then that she takes her fingers from his hair and places her hands on his shoulders. He takes it as an invitation and draws his hand down her spine and pulls her closer, kissing her neck nipping her flesh until she is arching against him.

She thinks about pushing him away, telling him to stop, but his magic is so consuming and she has been so _alone, _these past years that she lets him continue. Damn destiny. Damn fate. It was time that she let herself have some happiness- no matter how fleeting.


	2. Chapter 2

Her life seems so strange now. As if she is some in between place; waiting for the next big catastrophe to happen. Yet, she feels much more in the present than she was before. Merlin feels more at ease than she has for a long time; their still an edge to it though- a weariness- that still makes her shoulders slump, and has sometimes left her staring off into space. But then the lightest brush on her shoulders would make her come back and either Gwen, Mordred, or Gaius, would be standing before her.

Arthur…she thinks that he didn't quite know what to do with her- nor she him. Merlin knew it disturbed Arthur to see her in a less than happy state. And on her part she didn't know how to face him; the guilt knowing at her. Besides he was spending so much time with Mordred- she could claim the same though what she and Mordred did and what he and Arthur did…they were two very different things.

She blushed to think of the touches and kisses she and Mordred shared- of course it only happened when all was quiet and the darkness could encase them.

It was part desire and part shame on her- all mixed into something bittersweet. Merlin was cautious, at least she was trying to be, but he didn't want to be. She could see the disappointment in his eyes when she told him that they should keep…whatever it was that they had, just between them. It didn't stop him from showing her in little gestures.

A brush of his hand against the small of her back, a flower left on her bed after an exhausting day. It made her both smile and frown at the same time. No matter how sweet the gesture there was always something in the back of her mind- a warning that reminded her that one day she would have to step aside and let him go to Morgana's side; that one day she would have to kill him.

* * *

On the rare occasions she still sleeps- still has the same dreams, and she still wakes up screaming. Whatever hope that her…relationship with Mordred would change the future is now gone.

* * *

''Merlin.'' She fluffed the pillows and pulled up the covers, already sweating in the early summer morning.

'' Yes Arthur.'' She wiped her hands on her dress before turning to him. The look on his face made her stop though. He was worried.

'' Morgana has been spotted at the borders.'' Merlin sat down on the newly made bed and stared at the floor; fearing that if she looked at him he would see the resignation in her eyes.

'' How long ago?'' She asked quietly.

'' About a week.''

Merlin bristled and sprung off the bed, '' A week! And you didn't think to tell me!''

'' I'm the king Merlin-''

'' And I'm your friend,'' she seethed,'' Morgana was my friend. I saw the destruction she brought and now-'' She took a deep breath.

'' I know.'' He said evenly,'' But I've sent out a patrol to scout out the area-'' Merlin bites her lip and shakes her head before taking her leave.

* * *

''Gwaine?'' The knight in question was already deep into his cups; a sparkle in his eyes and a sly grin on his face.''

'' Merlin! Come and join me.'' With a small laugh she took the tankard of mead from him.

'' Have you seen Mordred?''

'' Already forsaking me for the new handsome knight?'' Despite herself she laughed and shook her head.

'' You know I could never forsake you Gwaine.'' In his drunken state Gwaine narrows his eye and looked at her queerly.

''Hmm.'' Merlin looked around the crowded tavern before turning her attention back to her friend. She sighed, he had fallen asleep. Finishing his mead she wiped her mouth with her hand and went back to her room.

When she reached the rooms she found a snow drop lay on her pillow. She picked up the delicate flower and cradled it in her hands. Merlin thought, hoped, that she would have more time.

* * *

All alone Merlin serves Gwen her dinner, a certain heaviness in the air quieting the usually talkative friends.

Merlin hands Gwen her cup,'' If that's all Arthur is waiting for me in the council chambers.'' She begins to walk away but with a word Gwen calls her back.

'' Sit.'' Gwen commands. Merlin drags a chair from the corner and clenches her hands together in her lap as her friend looks at her intently.

'' I know we haven't been close as of late but now with the patrol missing,'' gone is Queen Guinevere. Now she is sweet babbling Gwen, kind and gentle to a fault; her oldest friend.

Merlin grabs her hands; quieting her friend.

'' Gwen I'm fine, really.''

'' I just know your…affections for sir Mordred.''

'' I see.''

'' I saw you sneaking out of his chambers one night.'' Merlin feels her cheeks heat up.

'' Oh.'' She remembers the nights when her nightmares had gotten the best of her and she had sought comfort from him; just to remind her that he was by her side; of course there have been other less drastic reasons for her to be in his chambers, but she doesn't- _can't, _focus on those nights. It makes her heart ache too much.

Gwen squeezes her hands,'' I'm sorry Merlin.''

'' Me too Gwen,'' She says quietly,'' me too.''

* * *

The battle comes suddenly one night- as they always do. The bells ring, the knights gather, and she retreats to the shadows. A flick of her wrist here and there prevents Percival and Leon from being stabbed, and then she starts a fire to keep oncoming soldiers from the courtyard. It is a task that comes easily to her.

Then she is being knocked down by a blast of magic and Morgana is front of her, a dagger poised at her heart. Merlin takes a deep breath and opens her eyes; she feeling heat uncurl from her body and spread outward; knocking Morgana and everyone around her to the ground.

Merlin brushes herself off as Morgana stumbles to her feet, laughter bubbling out of her- sadistic and haunting. '' You're my doom! You!'' Morgana throws fireball after fireball at her but with a flick of her wrist they all disappear in a wisp of smoke. After that it is a blur of smoke, fire, and blood. Not once does Merlin look at Arthur or the knights that surround her, only at her former friend.

Then it ends. It ends with a flash of silver and a spattering of blood.

Morgana had hissed one word, ''Mordred.'' And Merlin had turned to see the him standing before.

'' Mor-'' She falls into his arms as his blade pierces her chest and the pain makes her gasp. He sets her down on the cold stones of the courtyard with unseeing eyes, and she wonders how this came to be. Mordred was supposed to kill Arthur, wasn't he? Not her. There was supposed to be a field, a great battle. Not a fray in the citadel of Camelot. How had it all changed? Did she change it? Did Mordred? Everything is a blur of color now; Ice blue a deep crimson red, a flash or silver. Then it's all gone.


	3. Chapter 3

She does not open her eyes at first. Instead she lays in the darkness as she takes in the smell of the forest. Merlin wrinkles her nose—that isn't right. She should be choking on the fumes of smoke and blood, but this air is clean, and the only sound she hears is the faint whispering of the wind through the trees. There is no sound of battle cries or the clashing of swords-it is peaceful, and for a moment she does not want to open her eyes, does not want to know what awaits her when she does.

'' Young one.'' Kilgharrah's voice washes over her like a cool wave and out of instinct her magic flares to life, sensing the great dragon nearby. '' You must wake now Merlin.'' Merlin's eyes flick open to see the open sky above her, and she becomes aware of the cloak that covers her body and the cold stone at her back. At once she puts her hand to her chest where a wound should be and finds only the faintest scratch.

'' But how-'' She takes in her surroundings now: great stone archways, ruins, and a lake in the distance-the isle of the blessed. Merlin swings her legs over the alter she had been placed on and lets her feet sink into the cool grass as she walks to the dragon that takes up residence only a few feet from her. '' Kilgharrah what's happened?'' She places a hand on his snout as he looks her in the eye.

'' Much has happened.'' He backs away and lifts his wing away. Mordred lies still: eyes closed and lips pale. She hesitates for only a moment before she goes to kneel before him.

''He's dead.'' Her words sound hollow, even to her and as she brushes a piece of hair from his forehead she feels the pang of loss and the overwhelming bitterness of betrayal. '' Did you kill him?'' She looks at the dragon who shakes his head.

'' This was his own doing.''

She looks at him sharply then, '' I don't understand.''

''When the witch Morgana enchanted Mordred she sent him to kill you. He succeeded. And when he realized what he had done he killed her. Afterwards he brought you here- to me.''

'' One life for another.'' Only now she realizes that the cloak she is wrapped in is red with the Pendragon's crest stitched onto the shoulder- Mordred's cloak. Oh god what has he done. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. '' Is Arthur alive?''

'' Yes.''

Suddenly teats start to slip down her cheeks and she chokes out a sob.

'' Leave me.'' It is a command. When Kilgharrah is gone Merlin presses a kiss to Mordred's forehead as it begins to rain. '' I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry. I should have believed you. I should have-'' her voice cracks and she lays a hand of her mouth to muffle the screams that seem to rise from her throat. Merlin feels as if the ground is gone beneath her feet and no matter how hard she tries she can't get back up. Maybe she was never meant to be truly happy,

It is still raining when she sets his body on a pyre and lights it and even after he is no more than ashes and the rain fall no more except for the occasion drop from a leaf on a tree, she stays on the ground with her chin on her knees wondering what she could have done differently. Merlin does that a lot- thinks about the what if's in her life; because there are a lot of them. Arthur, Morgana, _Mordred- _so many choices, so many things that she could have done differently because nothing was set in stone. A lesson she had, had to learn in the most difficult way possible, and yet she is more determined than ever to make things right.

So she goes back to Camelot and despite everything Gwen and Arthur welcome her: so accepting, and she never questions if Mordred had told them all she had done, for she never did. Some things were best forgotten.

Yet some things she would always remember.

And years later when Camelot is no more than a myth, and she is nothing but a legend, she will meet him again and he will smile at her as if he knows all the secrets in the world and he will place a snowdrop in her before whispering, '' Emrys.'' Against her lips.


End file.
